My Landlord Is Sending Me Inappropriately Sexual Text Messages!

I was having what can only be described as a tragically mundane conversation with a female buddy of mine via Whatsapp; nothing inappropriate was being said, nor did she have the decency to transfer any of her home-made erotica. It was almost pointless and a total waste of my precious time.

But then, out of nowhere, in the midst of the garbage formalities, as I was feeling discouraged and utterly dissatisfied, she threw a much-needed curve-ball to elevate the conversation; she started educating me on her creepy live-in Landlord.

Suddenly my ears perked, and the conversation inevitably transpired into something I needed to share. So here I am.

She doesn’t know about this blog, so nothing said was fabricated to heighten the viewing pleasure. In fact, she doesn’t even know I’m a landlord. I should probably tell her one day, she’s most likely curious about how I’ve managed to fund my aggressive cocaine habit and accumulate a wrist full of gold Daytona Rolexes. But I digress.

Here’s the conversation:

(I had to slightly edit the screen-shots to protect my friend’s identity, so I’m going to refer to her as ‘Cheese-tits’ for the remainder of this post.)

Pretty weird. I’m still debating whether or not it’s funny. I suppose it’s funny until he whips his wrinkly, chapped pecker out and starts chasing her around the house, terrorising her with it.

The most important aspect of the conversation: I’m sure you all noticed that even at the most inappropriate time, the idea of me doing ungodly things was savoured and encouraged by the lady. Ordinarily, a woman would be totally repelled and sickened by ALL men choking the chicken during that specific time/scenario. I hope that gives you all a real indication of how desirable I am, and I haven’t just been blowing my own trumpet for all these years without reason.

Onto the core of the matter: the landlord’s inappropriate gestures! The creep clearly has no sense of boundaries, and as Dirty Harry famously said, “a man’s got to know his limitations”

Unfortunately, this molesting little grease-ball hasn’t got a clue, and doesn’t have the slightest understanding of the landlord/tenant relationship. Needless to say, Cheese-tits is frantically in the process of finding a new place to live. I just hope she makes it out in time, because this walking human-erection sounds like a ticking time-bomb, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s planning to spike her water supply with Rohypnol so his fun can commence.

She’s only been a tenant for 3 weeks, and there’s been a continuous trial of inappropriate gestures from the day she moved in, which she’s been forced to endure and nervously laugh-off.

At first he was making harmless remarks, ones’ you would expect to hear on a building site from a tribe of hairy, blue-collar dip-shits. The comments were still inappropriate, but marginally tolerable. But as he got more comfortable with her presence, he upped the ante, and his gestures started to resemble the ramblings of a bonafide sex-offender.

Suddenly, “hey, you look nice today” transformed into, “hey, you’re sexy, you’re my type, shame I have a g/f”

Massively inappropriate. Obviously.

Cheese-tits didn’t want to make the situation any more uncomfortable; she especially didn’t want to cause friction between the landlord and his live-in partner, so she acted honourably by conjuring up a dog-shit excuse for why she needed to vacate, which entailed, “leaving the area due to work commitments”

Wise decision.

It’s best to make it clear that she can’t be tracked down and further seduced by his vile poetry. Meanwhile, the prospective sex-pest doesn’t have a clue that his explicit sleaziness drove her away. Cheese-tits informs me that he’s deluded, that he sincerely believes his intelligence is a tractor-beam for vagina, consequently any lady would be lucky to have him fantasise about blowing his cheesy-and-chive load over them.

He insists that even when she vacates, they will remain “good friends”

Granted, we’ve all experienced inappropriate “thoughts” about people we shouldn’t, whether it be our tenant or our best mate’s mum. But when you actually say it out loud, in an intrusive way, to the person staring in your fantasies, that’s when you start dipping into Hannibal Lecter territory.

Cheese-tits does make it clear though, she doesn’t think he’s dangerous, he’s generally nice to her, he’s just unbelievably inappropriate and sleazy. But I’m convinced the guy has a mental condition, because anyone sane would realise that what they’re saying/doing is totally ridiculous and mental.

So what should she or anyone else do that in situation?

Sounds like harassment to me!

This definitely sounds like a case of harassment!

In theory, situations like this should be reported to the police immediately. However, that’s not always the most practical solution in the scenario which involves a landlord and tenant, especially since it’s a live-in landlord!

For obvious reasons, the situation can become very complicated and even more unsavoury if the police are involved and approach the landlord.

I’m not saying NOT to call the police, I’m simply highlighting the obvious difficulties in doing so, and that’s something you should be prepared for.

In my friend’s specific case, she was confident he was harmless, just a complete sleaze-bag. Ultimately, she felt safe. However, for more serious cases, perhaps the following steps may make most sense:

• Record and compile all incidents so you have proof
• Report the incident to the police, but you may want to advise them not to immediately contact the landlord. Just make sure the police are aware of what’s going on.

  I’m sure this is not an uncommon situation, so the police may provide you with their own protocol to follow.

• Find alternative living arrangements ASAP.
• Once vacated, the police may then wish to press charges (assuming there is a valid case).

Leave when it’s time to leave!!!

I actually get somewhat annoyed when hearing horror stories from tenants that intentionally endure misery and then have the audacity to complain about it. The stories I’m often told, which involve tenants suffering for several months because of their arsehole landlord, are always mind-boggling!

My initial feeling isn’t sympathy, it’s bewilderment, and to be honest, I never entirely reach the sympathy part.

Why would anyone tolerate an arsehole landlord for so long, unless they enjoy the pain and misery?

This kind of madness happens in everyday life, with everyone; for some reason we allow problems to fester and haunt our lives, and we don’t help ourselves to make the situation any better as quickly as possible.

After a certain point, it becomes self-torture, and then there’s really no one else to blame but ourselves for prolonging the pain.

For example, some of you may remember one of my more recent blog posts, where I publicly responded to some dumb-founded emails I received. One example was from a mother of 6, complaining that she hadn’t been benefiting from heating or hot water for several weeks, and that her landlord had physically abused her when she complained about it. Ironically, the landlord then issued HER with a Section 21, repossession notice.

Quite a dangerous blend of horror, and I actually did feel bad for the gormless chode, because no one deserves that. But seriously, anyone normal would have reported the incident to the police and vacated the property ASAP, as opposed to emailing an obnoxious landlord blogger saying, “I don’t know what to do next?” Utterly bewildered.

Here are your options, lady, you decide:

• 1) Fight to remain a tenant of an abusive landlord so you and your kids can continue to stay in an unsafe environment. If that isn’t the perfect breeding ground for developing responsible adults, I don’t know what is.
• 2) Get someone bigger, badder and uglier to kick the living shit out of your landlord, which will then ignite an ongoing war. It will be cool, and maybe E4 will make one of their quirky off-beat documentaries on it. Or even better, maybe you’ll get a visit from Ross Kemp- and then we can see you and your 6 kids in an interview wearing ski-masks.
• 3) Report your landlord to the police for physically abusing you, and pack your shit up and roll the fuck out of there so you and your kids are safe.

So, what do you think? Here’s a hint, common sense prevails.

It’s situations like that, when people don’t help themselves, that my penis is left scorned and dispirited, because I’m scared of creating something as equally helpless. I’m thankful that Cheese-tits isn’t a complete idiot, and she’s actively planning her escape within good time.

Jokes aside for a moment, because what I’m discussing happens on a daily basis, and it’s very real and tragic… if you’re a suffering tenant due to your landlord, make positive actions to help yourself and your family, don’t allow situations to elevate and cause further misery.

If you don’t know where to begin, try Shelter and Citizens Advice. They’re both great starting points.

Have you got any stories about weird/appropriate things their landlord/tenant/agent has said? Moreover, have you had any fantasies about people you shouldn’t have? We’re all friends here… share!