Q&A With The Landlord, ‘i need to find a land load that aceps dss’

Three of the biggest drags about running this landlord blog:

• 1) I’m still doing it without being an award winning blogger (how I’ve managed to continue without recognition is beyond me)
• 2) Contrary to popular belief, blogging still ain’t getting me laid
• 3) Getting buried with high volumes of ridiculous emails

But let’s focus on the latter. Keeping on top of the email-silliness is a full-time job alone, with the majority of emails rooting from simple minds that feel comfortable enough to pour their fluttering little hearts out to me, by sharing their rental woes, with the anticipation of being saved by yours truly. Laughable. “The blind leading the blind” comes to mind.

Flattered as I am to be the beacon of hope for so many, one-to-one landlord/tenant support and working miracles aren’t services I exclusively offer, and that’s not entirely because I don’t care, it’s also because I don’t have the time. Coincidentally, I recognoised this problem a long time ago, and that’s why I introduced the Landlord Forum, which is actually hoarding a collaboration of much more useful and productive minds. But of course, emailing me directly for a service I don’t offer seems to be the more compelling course of action.

The other 20% of emails can usually be categorised by the following:

• Incoherent dribble that doesn’t deserve a response, but does warrant a recommendation to get tested for a brain aneurysm
• Lazy folks asking for advice on matters which have already been covered on the blog, which is easily accessible
• Marketeers that want me to bore my readers by discussing their clients bullshit publications. You have no idea how much 3rd-party nonsense I have protected you guys from (and how much poorer I am because of it)!
• People that ignore the disclaimer on my contact form which says, “DO NOT ASK FOR LEGAL ADVICE, I AM NOT QUALIFIED”, yet still feel inclined to take the time to email for legal advice.
• Emails that don’t get to the point, and require me to pass their internal screening process. E.g. “Hi, are you the person responsible for this website?”

  No, I’m not, F-off.

  If it wasn’t obvious enough, this is a personal blog, and I don’t have a team of 20 with a HR department underneath the hood, powering this righteous setup. Hard to believe, I’m sure. But in all honesty, if that much isn’t apparent to you, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing business with you, because I can’t imagine you’d bring anything intelligent to the table.

Some of you reading this right now may have fell victim to neglect because of the reasons above. Regrettably, others may have fell victim to collateral damage, and for that, I apologise. I do get some decent shit, too, which I try my best to reply to. But seeing as it is that time of year, where we’re meant to be in the giving spirit, I’ve decided to take some time-out and address some of the emails I’ve consciously neglected in the past. You know, to end the year on a real positive.

Here are some of the unedited, complete emails I have received, with my belated responses:

i need to find a land load that aceps dss payment asap please

I could be wrong, but finding a landlord that accepts your kind (yes, I went there!) seems like the least of your problems. Where to begin.

Firstly, something seems to have lead you to believe that I’m sitting in my bedroom running a letting agency. If you point me in the right direction of the guilty signal, I will remove it immediately. Just so we’re clear, I’m not a letting agent, and to add insult to injury, I don’t think I’d be able to help you even if I was.

But let’s go with this for a moment and role play. Assuming that I am a letting agent, and you’re a sexy little school girl… I wouldn’t even show you towards the direction of a cardboard box. I’m not sure if English is your native language (I sincerely hope not), but for someone that seems relatively desperate, I’m not getting any sense of care from your work.

For example, you sent me a digital equivalent of a snot-filled napkin with a phone number scribbled on it, and that’s not exactly the hallmark of a responsible tenant. Unfortunately, your plead for help didn’t fill me with hope, only fear. I genuinely fear for you.

After having tripped over your own shoelaces, you’re probably laying in a ditch somewhere right now. However, if by some miracle you beat the odds and lived to see another day, my advice is, be more resourceful: use your limited grasp of the English language and complete negligence of a spellchecker to target people that are actually in the business of housing. Don’t just email every Tom, Dick and Harry hoping for a conversion.

Good luck.

I know someone who owed there landlord alot of money and has just made sure he has no method of contact and left. what do you think i should do. should i tell someone where he is as i feel the person i know is being unfair as he is spending the money he owed his landlord on alcohol, takeawys etc.

This seems to be a moral dilemma, perhaps something you should be discussing with your shrink, or your social worker. But I’m glad you came to me, because you’ve clearly read my work and were quick to realise I will do you no-wrong when it comes to moral and ethical guidance.

If I were you, my first port of call would be to access a pair of marigold gloves, a newspaper, a stick of glue, a pair of scissors and some paper. I think you know where I’m going with this.

Put on the gloves, cut out a series of letters from every headline in the newspaper, and strategically construct an anonymous letter to the landlord, informing him/her of the whereabouts of the lowlife in question.

At this point, your safety is of utmost importance, hence why your anonymity is imperative. My guess is, the guy your weeding out is an unsavoury character, and he’ll rip your earlobes off and chew them like bubble gum if he learned of your betrayal.

If you really want to spare your lobes and rest assured that your tracks are completely covered, capitlise your words after a full-stop. That way no one will suspect you, it will be the perfect crime.

In any case, with any luck, this guy will drink himself into an early grave. I’m sure the landlord will prefer that over any monetary compensation. But yes, you should make someone aware of his whereabouts so his tomfoolery antics come to an end, albeit, some local Kebab houses may have to face foreclosure from loss of business.

Merry Christmas.

Hi , I have payed ,but cannot print off the form, 21 repossession. thank you

Another confused soul that seems to have misconstrued what it is I’m actually doing on here.

Fortunately, i’m not sweating my bollocks off in a call centre located in New Delhi, so providing tech-support for your P.C peripherals (e.g. printer) is a service I don’t offer. Although, I can see where the confusion stemmed from. No, really.

Out of curiosity, have you tried turning it on and/or giving it a kick? I remember watching an episode of Garfield where that actually worked.

In hindsight, I can forgive the person that thought I was a letting agent. At least he was closer to the mark.

Hi, Hope you’re well. Just emailing in regards to an article I’ve written around fitting light bulbs safely in a home and was wondering if you may interested in hosting it on your site? The story stems from a couple of days ago when my housemate smashed a light bulb in his hand when fell off the chair that he was standing on. If you’re interested in the story or would like any more information then please get in touch

Thrilling, and unbelievably coincidental.

It was only last week, while I was hacking through the hardskin from under my feet with a ped-egg, when I had a eureka moment, where I thought, “you know what? My readers would love to read a blog post on how to fit a light bulb”

And here you are, like a Knight in shining armour. But why stop there? You could follow up with a sequel, “how to check if a light bulb is still working”

I suddenly have 2 months worth of great material.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it to you. Your script would be wasted on my website and my readers. You should contact ‘The man’ himself, Quentin Tarantino. I’m sure he’ll chew into your script and make a blockbuster out of it, and introduce you to the glitzy world of Hollywood. The script is actually ideal for him- he’s notorious for incorporating graphic blood scenes into his movies, so he can capture, to all its glory, the explosive moment of the glass shattering and the blood squirting everywhere. Maybe he can get Brad Pitt to play the wally that falls off the chair.

Early Christmas present: I took the liberty of finding out how to contact Quentin; low and behold, Yahoo Answers has delivered yet again.

Don’t thank me, just add me into the rolling credits as your inspiration.

On a sidenote, was it REALLY your “housemate” that fell off the chair and smashed the bulb? Granted, I don’t know you from Adam, but based on your email, it seems like something you would do.

Ye I’m just wondering if I can get help with paying a deposit or how could get help paying one?????

I don’t know. Can you get help?????

Only joking. Just having some major giggles at your misuse of “can” (which should have been “may”) and your excessive use of question marks, LOL.

In any case, the answer is no.

I have had no heating or hot water for nine weeks now I asked the landlord to fix it as I have six children living in the house and he sent me a section 21 and his local family members who live by me he sent is cousin round today who forced his way In and threatend me leaving marks on my neck I dont know wat to do next

This sounds like a serious matter, and since you’ve been physically violated and children are involved, you’ve made it extremely difficult for me to have any fun, and that’s not a position I enjoy to be in. But I will give you some advice (mainly common sense), and perhaps some do’s and dont’s, so you learn for next time.

Unfortunately, emailing me with this issue was futile and unproductive, despite how much you learn from my wisdom and enjoy my attention. Your first call-to-action should have been to report the incident to the police, although the fact you came to me is slightly warming, and simultaneously stupid. But it’s not too late, so if you haven’t done so already, do it. People like your landlord and his cousin Vinny belong behind bars, where retribution is best displayed with the assistance of very large penises. I hear abusive landlords are treated like child-molesters these days.

Secondly, you should report your landlord to the Health and Safety Executive for not complying with his landlord responsibilities, which includes providing you with flowing hot water.

However, your landlord sounds like a dangerous chap that needs dismantling (hopefully Karma will show its face), so I’m not sure your energy is best spent “fighting” to remain his tenant, even though I do appreciate relocating yourself and 6 children is a tall order. But safety of your most prized possessions should be your main priority. Instead of wasting further energy on giving birth and trying to resolve faulty plumbing, you should exert your fuel on finding a safe and healthy environment for your current batch of children. You also have to consider, Vinny may have only been phase 1 of an elaborate assault with many layers. Next time he might send around Phil & Grant Mitchell, and then you’ll be in serious danger. Run while you can and consider yourself lucky.

Like I said, nothing but bog-standard common sense.

Merry Christmas everyone

Well, there you have it. You’ve just seen a tiny glimpse of what I have to sift through on a daily basis. As silly as it all is, the problems are all very real, and I feel great for having tried to help. Is this what it feels like to feed homeless people on Christmas day? Is this what a Samaritan feels like? I believe so.

Perhaps I’ll make a series out of this, where every now and then I’ll put up a Q&A post. Let me know your thoughts. Please, if anyone else has any useful advice they can offer my disciples, take the microphone. I’m sure they’ll appreciate any additional advice.

Seasons greetings everyone! May the grace of our mighty father be with you all during this festive period. I genuinely hope you all have a good one x